It was the first energetic thing that I could bring myself to do after Kal’s death. I knew what needed to be done, but I needed a week away to even begin to get enough space between the event and what I needed to find the strength to do. Energetically, shamanically, we had discussed the concept of clearing death energy many times. This was not the circumstance in which I ever intended to use such practices.
Yet the fact remained. Kal’s energy needed to be released from the spot where he had died. Only I knew that. Only I knew how to do that. Only I cared that it was done. He would only have wanted me to be the one to do it. So I had to stiffen up the sinews and go back there. Back to the slopes of Dinas Bran in Llangollen.
On the way it looked so familiar. I remembered all of our conversation that day – his hopes for the future; his travel plans; how other people seemed not to share our levels of commitment to this kind of spiritual work; our shared admiration for Carlos Castaneda’s accounts; and how I was dressed in white and he was in black. Some things were profound, others insignificant. At the time we may not have known which were which.
A Hard Rain
As I began the climb memories came flooding back as though a sluice gate had been opened. As I walked I re-traced the path as exactly as I could, in a meditative state of mind all the way. I walked past the fateful spot and felt my heart ache. That feeling again. A feeling like someone was gripping my heart in some kind of Dim Mak move from a martial arts film.
I reached the top and the strain on my heart got stronger with each step. I was re-living Kal’s experience, I felt. To the point where I thought I might suffer the same effects! As I reached the top the rain began, and I knew this was the beginning of the cleansing process.
I didn’t tarry. Returning by the same path I made my way back down to the spot where Kal had rested – eternally. I put some crystals down around me. The intention was that these crystals would help to change the configuration of my energy field and initiate a change in me. It was time to change, and time to release. The crystals were a new set that I had never used before. It seemed fitting that they were also in a black bag. I had no idea where I got them from, or why I had never used them. But at this moment I knew.
The rain got harder. I began the process of connecting to and then releasing the energy which had become fixed through the intense emotion and chemical reactions of Kal’s dying process. I felt him very close to me as I did this. So close that I began to talk to him, but passers-by could only hear one side of that conversation.
I was getting wet. The rain was getting stronger. I had inappropriate clothing for the conditions – deliberately. I had all the waterproofs I could carry, but I had left them in the car on purpose. I wanted to experience this outing as Kal had experience it so many time – in the wrong clothing. And so I got wet. And wetter. I thanked Kal for making me wait in the rain. I couldn’t’ leave until he gave me a sign that his energy had fully cleared form this spot. And so I sat…
I smiled. “I will wait until you tell me to leave, Kal” I said. “However long you want. I’m not going anywhere until your crow makes a call.” The crow was Kal’s sign. He had used it to guide him, now I was using it to guide me. The countryside was surprisingly quiet. I waited. A few minutes later one crow cawed once. It was done.
There were other resonances to this moment as well. The crow is part of the Raven family of birds. Bran is associated with the raven. Kal was wearing all black the day he died.
The Black Omen Returns
A few weeks later I felt like my energy was changing. Something was shifting, as I had hoped it would. The change was beginning. I was beginning to feel better about the whole event and its lasting memory. However, one thing was disturbing me. I had noticed that I was falling back into old patterns. How could this be? I thought that the crystal layout would bring change and that change would mean new patterns?
On my way home one evening a car did an emergency stop in front of me in the fast lane. I braked hard and stopped in time. Phew! I checked my rear-view mirror and say a black Mercedes car heading towards me so quickly that I only had time to brace myself and wait for the inevitable. Bang! In that moment the change came upon me. The sun was shining, and everyone was very nice. No harm was done, but my car was a write-off. The car we had used to go everywhere together was no more.
It was time for a real change now. I had been shocked into a new rhythm, and change had been forced upon me in the only way that it could have happened, because without that event I wouldn’t have changed. Now I have.